INT. TARGET

Josh grabs a bag of jumbo marshmallows from the baking items section. A bubbly, sweet female employee approaches him.

EMPLOYEE
Can I help you with anything?

JOSH
Um...yeah, are there nude thongs around?

A beat.

JOSH (CONT'D)
For my girlfriend. For my girlfriend.

EMPLOYEE
(Confused) Aw, that’s. Thoughtful.
Right this way!
‍
She leads him to a back wall of many different styles.

EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)
What size is she?
‍
JOSH (CONT'D)
Um...I think...a men’s six?

She looks very, very confused.

EMPLOYEE
Okay, but how big is she?
‍
JOSH
Come again?

EMPLOYEE
Woman's sizes are different than
men, silly banana! How about you
show me how hip width with your
hands.
‍
Josh measures his own hips and holds his hands out to her.
She is even more confused.
‍
EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)
I’m gonna go with small.

She pulls one off of the racks.

EMPLOYEE (CONT’D)
Here ya go!


JOSH (CONT’D)
Thank you so much. Thirty day
return policy, right?



INT. ROOM 333 BATHROOM

Parker is pulling the chainmail headpiece on. His phone rings. Gina's calling. He hears the hotel room door open and shut, causing him to throw his phone. There's a long silence. Parker opens the door to peek.


RICHARD
Wait, wait! (Beat. Does a quick
Jazz Square as he scans Parker’s
body) Okay, places, yes.

INT. ROOM 333

Bathroom door creeks open as Parker peeks out.

PARKER
Is this on? At all? Feels like it
only covers my collarbones.

RICHARD
You look...edible. Take center stage. That's it. Good boy. And scene.
‍
PARKER
(As if reading it in his mind)
To be or not to be. That is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to fucker the sling...to fuck in the sling...and onto her chest.
Fuck!

Richard begins to caress himself

PARKER (CONT’D)
Uh...to suffer the sling of outrageous...uh...shit let me start again.

RICHARD
Take your time. I’m absolutely loving all of choices.

PARKER
(Monotone)
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

PARKER (CONT’D)
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them.

RICHARD
(Hot and bothered)
No, no, no, no, no I need you to commit. I need you to be and not to be. Concurrently! Give me the performance that makes your
representation retire. Become the character. Grope the Tony!

Richard shimmies his pants down. Parker commits. Dialed in. Once he speaks, Richard freezes. Parker's delivery captures his attention.

PARKER
To die-to sleep no more; and by sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks.

Tears begin to well up from Parker's eyes. Richard, touching himself, begins to moan louder than he's ever moaned, closing his eyes.

RICHARD
Yes! Yes! Take me there!

PARKER
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep.

Parker drops script and rips the costume from his chiseled body.

RICHARD
(Pauses stimulation) Alright, that's a rental.

PARKER
To sleep, perchance to
dream--ay, there's the rub: For in
that sleep of death what dreams may
come...
‍
RICHARD
(Like a zombie hungry for brains)
And those dreams are erupting!

Parker standing in just tights and clogs falls to his knees, crying. Richard with his pants down, almost about to cum goes into Lamaze breathing.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
(Calming down)
Too much?

PARKER
Too much? You want to know what’s
too much?! I just lost my life! I
get back from India, where I was
supposed to be balling in IT and
get what my Dad always wanted for
me which was NET WORTH. But like
everything else I’ve ever done I
plummeted again! And my brother at
this point wants to prove we’re not
related and forget me! Basically
throw me out when I pitched me
moving in with him! Imagine THAT!

PARKER (CONT’D)
And my girlfriend’s too occupied
fucking God or Buddha or who knows
what religion to even break up with
me! Let’s fast forward to the now,
shall we? I'm here with some
predator on the rise I just met to
recite fucking Romeo and Juliet
while he pulls at his sandbags!

RICHARD
Hamlet, darling.

PARKER
It’s still extinct!

Richard lets out the most exaggerated gasp.

RICHARD
Ghastly! And so so saucy. (Moans) I
feel like we can run it again, no?

Parker curls into a ball on the rug. Richard, still hard at this point, chooses to push it down and placate.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
Breathe.(Holds down boner as it
continues to undulate) Inhales
meeting up with exhales at an
abandoned water park.

PARKER
Really missing holding it all earlier!

RICHARD
Now flip little crepe.

Richard gets Parker on his chest and pulls his arms up. Parker struggles with where to lay his head.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
Dangle!

Parker’s head droops. He breathes.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
You're a real streetcar named
desire. Marlon Brando debonair type
of vessel. And normally if someone
burst through my chainmail rental,
I would showcase anger, to let you
in on my range.

He lowers Parkers arms and sits directly in front of him; member to forehead. Parker lifts up his head and jumps back.
Richard goes on.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
But you gave me heart. For that
I(Looks down at raised boner back
at it).We salute you. (Gestures to
penis) Now give her five!
‍

INT. JOSH'S APARTMENT

CUE A SELF-TAPE MONTAGE!

Josh turns on ring light and starts to record. In his nude thong, he cuts trash bags to cover the floor and the table. Josh steps back to take a look at it all.
‍

JOSH
Watch me not rewatch Dexter tonight.

Josh gets up on the bathroom sink. He places two marshmallows between his cheeks as he tries to get a feel for the shot. He checks his shot. NOT THE RIGHT ANGLE! He tries again, but this time tests with toasted marshmallows. His ass begins to burn and he flinches. Text message alert.
‍
SUGAR DADDY (V.O)
I'm whoring for
some s'moring (Purple horny devil
emoji). Is my dessert prepared?

JOSH (TXT MESSAGE)
And you’re rushing me?! Two more
roses!

SUGAR DADDY (V.O)
I want to be with you.(Beat).
Sorry. Auto correct. LOL. (laughing
smiley face. Money Face Emojis)
Take it all.

PROFESSOR #1
Josh gets up on the table. He puts new marshmallows between his cheeks. Begins to clench his cheeks together as he slowly pours chocolate syrup. Then, tops it off with a graham cracker sprinkle. He sprinkles graham cracker over the lens in a SALT BAE manner.

JOSH
I will say, tres magnifique!


INT. ROOM 333

Richard is sitting at the end of the bed. Parker, still in tights, is pacing. Richard's pants are still at his ankles.
‍

PARKER
So let me get this straight,
you're willing to pay me $1200 a
week to do two of your
"performances" and pay for my hotel
stay...

RICHARD
Well, yes and...

PARKER
And...

RICHARD
Well, grab the occasional cocktail
hour. A little (Does a pivot step)
foxtrot on the side? We can
improvise, with the social element.

PARKER
For why?

RICHARD
I want to shape you. You are the
clay and I am both Patrick Swayze
and Demi Moore.

PARKER
I’m thinking...no? Thank
you for the trauma!

Parker takes off tights to no avail. Richard, hopping like a bunny with his pants around his ankles, does his best to chase after Parker.

RICHARD
No Re Mi Fa NO, darling! Please!
Everything I give is from the good
of me! You’ll love my seed one day!

Parker is still on his way out.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
You’re a business man, aren’t you?

Parker stops in his tracks.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
You know what they sing...

Richard starts to sing.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW
BUSINESS, LIKE NO BUSINESS I
KNOW/

PARKER
/(Groans) Are you that hungry
for discomfort?! Guess what!
I’m uncomfortable!

Parker stands still.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
Don't you see! This is an
immaculate business for you to
spread both kinds of cheeks in.
(Beat) Haven’t you ever pleasured
yourself while staring into a
handheld mirror?

PARKER
I told you. I have nothing.

RICHARD
You should see how the other half
is now living.

Points to still erect boner.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
DPD is taking care of
you now.

PARKER
The fuck is DPD? Are you just
unwell? Like is that your thing?

Richard puts his finger on Parker's right nipple once again.

RICHARD
DPD is me, my sweet meat.

PARKER
Your name’s Richard. I refuse to be
CatFished today.
‍
RICHARD
Yeah. DPD. AKA Deep. Pocket. Daddy.

INT. BATHROOM OF SERENA'S APARTMENT
‍
Kirt sits on toilet taking a shit watching Josh’s s’more surprise.

INT. JOSH'S APARTMENT - SAME TIME
‍
Josh is cleaning up. A text comes in.

SUGAR DADDY (V.O)
You don’t see me but I’m fisting.
The things you do to me. gave you
$more. Thank you for putting me out
of business.
‍
Josh receives $750 on Venmo.
‍
INT. ROOM 333
‍
Parker is putting his clothes on. Richard is on the precipice
of a power trip.

RICHARD
This room will be your domain. Your
west wing, if you will.

Giggles to self.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
Here's my direct line, for when
you’re feeling...pro boner.

Parker gives a look of confusion.
‍
RICHARD (CONT’D)
Should’ve workshopped that. Bono, Pro Bono.

He winks a BIG wink, to the point that his lid freezes and the wink remains. Richard begins to walk out. He holds the door handle, but turns just his head, looking over his shoulder with one open eye.

RICHARD (CONT’D)
What is your stage name?

PARKER
Parker.

RICHARD
(Smirking)
Forget Parker was ever spawned.

You’re Romeo henceforth.

PARKER
Psh. That's not a Shakespeare character.

Richard digs into his deep pocket and tosses cash at him.
‍
Richard leaves.

INT. ROOM 333- DUSK
‍
As Parker changes out of his tattered costume, he takes in the lux amenities of his new home. He stares at the cash for a moment. He grabs it.

-END SAMPLE-