We see DON (35), promenading past numerous skyscrapers and
crowds on his way to work. He’s the perfect man, smiling to
strangers and at the city around him. A crying TODDLER sits
cross-legged on the sidewalk, dragging her MOTHER down with
her. Don sprints over to them and high-fives the toddler. The toddler beams and stands, reaching out for her Mother’s hand. Exhausted, the Mother mouths “thank you” to Don. She and her daughter move past him. Within seconds, he takes a peek at the Mother’s ass. A vibration hits his wrist.
SPLIT SCREEN:
DON
(Into Siri)
Rise and shine, dick wash.
JOHNNY (33) ENTERS AS THE SECOND SCREEN. HE’S WALKING OUT OF
A PILATES CLASS WITH HIS WIFE, KAIA.
JOHNNY (V.O.)
(Texting)
Bruh, come to pilates with me
tomorrow. I don’t even need Hentai
anymore.
BRETT (32) APPEARS AS THE THIRD SCREEN. HE’S ATTEMPTING TO
RUN A LOAD OF LAUNDRY. HE PLAYS AROUND WITH BUTTONS.
BRETT (V.O.)
(Texts)
You’re repulsive and I wish I
didn’t know you.
JOHNNY (V.O.)
Brett, tell me you don’t want 3D
camel toe. Of all flavs. (Beat) I
wasn’t even on the medieval torture
stretcher. I just watched pussy
creases lean and rock with it.
DON (V.O.)
You’re going to jail just for that
thought alone.
BRETT (V.O.)
Was Kaia even there?
DON (V.O.)
She definitely was lmfao.
BRETT (V.O.)
How are you married.
MIKE (30), IS ADDED AS A SCREEN. HE’S ALREADY AT WORK.
SPECIFICALLY HIS UNPAID INTERNSHIP AT MCKINSEY AND COMPANY, A MANAGEMENT CONSULTING FIRM. HE PLAYS CATCH WITH A CUSTOMIZED PILLOW OF HIS FIANCÉE’S FACE.
MIKE (V.O.)
The one time I went to pilates with
Lauren, she kept eye contact. The
whole hour. Like high-planks onsome moving bed shit while death-glaring. She would hand me weights when I needed them, which are for kids, by the way. These bitches think they’re gonna get bulked on two pound weights.
JOHNNY (V.O.)
Sorry for your loss of majora
views, bub. Amped for the wedding!
MIKE (V.O.)
STFU.
JAMES (29) AND LEO (34) HOP ON. JAMES IS ON A BLIND DATE AT A COFFEE SHOP. LEO IS RUNNING SLOTS AT JACK CLEVELAND CASINO.
LEO
(Thinking he’s sending a
voice note but isn’t)
I’m way too loaded for this!
SLOT PLAYERS stare aghast.
JAMES (V.O.)
Who wants an Up-DATE?
DON (V.O.)
Coffee date?
LEO
(Finally texting)
I sAid im 2 fucking pl@st3redd.
JAMES (V.O.)
Coffee date. Pretty sure she’s on
Only Fans
DON (V.O.)
Envying you!
MARK (31), JOINS. HE’S AT THE FRONT DESK OF A FLOWER SHOP,
GUIDING AN ELDERLY CUSTOMER TO TAP HIS CREDIT CARD. HE
STRUGGLES.
MARK
Technology, am I right? So elusive.
ELDERLY CUSTOMER
I don’t believe this is my card.
Mark looks down at his phone, blowing up with each retort.
MARK
You got this! Take your time.
Mark texts.
MARK (V.O.)
I hate everything.
LEO (V.O)
Cum to jaxxx.
MARK (V.O.)
Come here! I have so much water for
you.
THE REMAINDER OF THE GROUP, NATE (36), ENTERS. HE’S IN A
MEETING AT DIMIT ARCHITECTS. HE GLANCES AT THE GROUP AND HIS
PHONE INTERMITTENTLY. CAVING, HE RESPONDS.
NATE (V.O.)
Why do we still have to hire these post grad sluts. This new assistant is queefing all over of my
clientele.
DON (V.O.)
Double-edged fleshlight, Nate.
NATE (V.O.)
If I was ever a feminist. I’m
retired.
MIKE (V.O.)
And that’s a new development?
NATE (V.O.)
You know you can call off your
wedding anytime.
MIKE (V.O.)
You’re coming to my wedding, but
thanks for the offer!
NATE (V.O.)
Can’t we just move to Vegas?!
LEO (V.O.)
YASSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
Don approaches his workplace.
DON (V.O.)
Off I go to cash flow. We drafting
tonight?
BRETT (V.O.)
Fuck yes. I’m giving up on laundry.
MIKE (V.O.)
I need the Patroits to die this
year. So let’s go!
Don hearts Mike’s message.
JOHNNY (V.O.)
I just slurped up my baddie like
chili.
MARK (V.O.)
Okay, the “blaccent” is scaring me.
JOHNNY (V.O.)
My bitch is rubbing off on me. In
more ones than one. (Wink emoji)
MARK (V.O.)
One day you’ll come to the realization that your whole
existence is cultural appropriation.
JOHNNY (V.O.)
It’s not like I say the n-word to her.
BRETT (V.O.)
Yet.
JAMES (V.O.)
Sorry for the delay. I was also
eating ass.
BRETT (V.O.)
At the coffee shop?!
JAMES (V.O.)
Don’t worry about it.
DON (V.O.)
No one answered my question.
LEO (V.O.)
I SAID YASSSSSSS.
EXIT SPLIT
SCREEN.
EXT. CLEVELAND CAPITAL MANAGEMENT- MORNING
POV: DON’S APPLE WATCH
One by one, the guys give Don’s message a thumbs up.
DON (V.O.)
(Texts)
Saddle up, boys.
crowds on his way to work. He’s the perfect man, smiling to
strangers and at the city around him. A crying TODDLER sits
cross-legged on the sidewalk, dragging her MOTHER down with
her. Don sprints over to them and high-fives the toddler. The toddler beams and stands, reaching out for her Mother’s hand. Exhausted, the Mother mouths “thank you” to Don. She and her daughter move past him. Within seconds, he takes a peek at the Mother’s ass. A vibration hits his wrist.
SPLIT SCREEN:
DON
(Into Siri)
Rise and shine, dick wash.
JOHNNY (33) ENTERS AS THE SECOND SCREEN. HE’S WALKING OUT OF
A PILATES CLASS WITH HIS WIFE, KAIA.
JOHNNY (V.O.)
(Texting)
Bruh, come to pilates with me
tomorrow. I don’t even need Hentai
anymore.
BRETT (32) APPEARS AS THE THIRD SCREEN. HE’S ATTEMPTING TO
RUN A LOAD OF LAUNDRY. HE PLAYS AROUND WITH BUTTONS.
BRETT (V.O.)
(Texts)
You’re repulsive and I wish I
didn’t know you.
JOHNNY (V.O.)
Brett, tell me you don’t want 3D
camel toe. Of all flavs. (Beat) I
wasn’t even on the medieval torture
stretcher. I just watched pussy
creases lean and rock with it.
DON (V.O.)
You’re going to jail just for that
thought alone.
BRETT (V.O.)
Was Kaia even there?
DON (V.O.)
She definitely was lmfao.
BRETT (V.O.)
How are you married.
MIKE (30), IS ADDED AS A SCREEN. HE’S ALREADY AT WORK.
SPECIFICALLY HIS UNPAID INTERNSHIP AT MCKINSEY AND COMPANY, A MANAGEMENT CONSULTING FIRM. HE PLAYS CATCH WITH A CUSTOMIZED PILLOW OF HIS FIANCÉE’S FACE.
MIKE (V.O.)
The one time I went to pilates with
Lauren, she kept eye contact. The
whole hour. Like high-planks onsome moving bed shit while death-glaring. She would hand me weights when I needed them, which are for kids, by the way. These bitches think they’re gonna get bulked on two pound weights.
JOHNNY (V.O.)
Sorry for your loss of majora
views, bub. Amped for the wedding!
MIKE (V.O.)
STFU.
JAMES (29) AND LEO (34) HOP ON. JAMES IS ON A BLIND DATE AT A COFFEE SHOP. LEO IS RUNNING SLOTS AT JACK CLEVELAND CASINO.
LEO
(Thinking he’s sending a
voice note but isn’t)
I’m way too loaded for this!
SLOT PLAYERS stare aghast.
JAMES (V.O.)
Who wants an Up-DATE?
DON (V.O.)
Coffee date?
LEO
(Finally texting)
I sAid im 2 fucking pl@st3redd.
JAMES (V.O.)
Coffee date. Pretty sure she’s on
Only Fans
DON (V.O.)
Envying you!
MARK (31), JOINS. HE’S AT THE FRONT DESK OF A FLOWER SHOP,
GUIDING AN ELDERLY CUSTOMER TO TAP HIS CREDIT CARD. HE
STRUGGLES.
MARK
Technology, am I right? So elusive.
ELDERLY CUSTOMER
I don’t believe this is my card.
Mark looks down at his phone, blowing up with each retort.
MARK
You got this! Take your time.
Mark texts.
MARK (V.O.)
I hate everything.
LEO (V.O)
Cum to jaxxx.
MARK (V.O.)
Come here! I have so much water for
you.
THE REMAINDER OF THE GROUP, NATE (36), ENTERS. HE’S IN A
MEETING AT DIMIT ARCHITECTS. HE GLANCES AT THE GROUP AND HIS
PHONE INTERMITTENTLY. CAVING, HE RESPONDS.
NATE (V.O.)
Why do we still have to hire these post grad sluts. This new assistant is queefing all over of my
clientele.
DON (V.O.)
Double-edged fleshlight, Nate.
NATE (V.O.)
If I was ever a feminist. I’m
retired.
MIKE (V.O.)
And that’s a new development?
NATE (V.O.)
You know you can call off your
wedding anytime.
MIKE (V.O.)
You’re coming to my wedding, but
thanks for the offer!
NATE (V.O.)
Can’t we just move to Vegas?!
LEO (V.O.)
YASSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
Don approaches his workplace.
DON (V.O.)
Off I go to cash flow. We drafting
tonight?
BRETT (V.O.)
Fuck yes. I’m giving up on laundry.
MIKE (V.O.)
I need the Patroits to die this
year. So let’s go!
Don hearts Mike’s message.
JOHNNY (V.O.)
I just slurped up my baddie like
chili.
MARK (V.O.)
Okay, the “blaccent” is scaring me.
JOHNNY (V.O.)
My bitch is rubbing off on me. In
more ones than one. (Wink emoji)
MARK (V.O.)
One day you’ll come to the realization that your whole
existence is cultural appropriation.
JOHNNY (V.O.)
It’s not like I say the n-word to her.
BRETT (V.O.)
Yet.
JAMES (V.O.)
Sorry for the delay. I was also
eating ass.
BRETT (V.O.)
At the coffee shop?!
JAMES (V.O.)
Don’t worry about it.
DON (V.O.)
No one answered my question.
LEO (V.O.)
I SAID YASSSSSSS.
EXIT SPLIT
SCREEN.
EXT. CLEVELAND CAPITAL MANAGEMENT- MORNING
POV: DON’S APPLE WATCH
One by one, the guys give Don’s message a thumbs up.
DON (V.O.)
(Texts)
Saddle up, boys.