INT. NYU GALLATIN BUILDING - MORNING

Five minutes before the colloquium. Connor sits outside a
seminar classroom, shaking while stuffing bananas and coffee
down her guzzle. An adjacent STUDENT is repulsed.

CONNOR
THESE POTASSIUM POPS SOOTHE NERVES
OKAY?! They have Tryptophan for
galaxies, which then converts into
Serotonin, which then...THAT'S BELOW THE POINT OF INTERSECTION!

Student sits in a chair next to her.

CONNOR
(To student) Pretend it’s 1951.
(Stretches out) Duck and cover.

STUDENT
My colloquium actually surrounds a
juxtaposition between the Cold War
and the CIVIL war we’re in
today.(Beat) What’s your
concentration?

Connor slips off the chair.

CONNOR
I'm about to forego the wrath of
Julius Seizure.

STUDENT
Ooh a fan-fic without Brutus!
(Gasp) You think the word “brute”
comes from Brutus? Wow that would
change me if yes.

Student crouches down on the floor.

STUDENT (CONT’D)
Maybe meditate? Or breathe in
general?
‍
CONNOR
Vesuvius was probably asked that
too but she erupted anyhow!

Student grabs their bag and rummages through until they find
a THC infuse vape. Student hands it to Connor

CONNOR
Ooh...Nicotine and I are not pals.
Not even water cooler colleagues.
‍
Student sticks the pen in Connor’s mouth. Student holds it
for far too long. She gasps for air.
‍

CONNOR (CONT’D)
Bigoted, buttery nipples of Paula
Dean that's not just Nicotine.

STUDENT
Yeah. THC’s spinning tracks too.
‍
Connor smokes more. She exhales a SMOKE CLOUD MASS, causing
Janitor Janice to appear.
‍
CONNOR
Treasons Bleedings Janice!

Janice disappears.

STUDENT
Alright, bitch! Get that stupor!

Connor pants. Student stands up and extends a hand to Connor.

STUDENT (CONT’D)
Chill. No one at Gallatin fails
this Soviet test.

They raise her to her feet.

STUDENT (CONT’D)
But hey! (Whispers in her ear)
Maybe you’ll be the first. They
walk away.

CONNOR
(Out of body sass and delirium)
Whatcha know about Mark Antony’s
level up? You were plugging Nike
and glugging Hi-C in Jonestown by
then!

STUDENT
Wow, you’re broken. Connor's
advisor, LIZETTE (55,Female), opens
the door.

LIZETTE
Connor? (Spots her.Gushes) Look at
the star, she’s ready to go! Connor
leaps out of her coma.
‍
CONNOR
Bingo Bango Bongo, Lizette! Really
crowning over here!

LIZETTE
Sweetheart. N-O, No stress. This
hour and a half is for you.


INT. GALLATIN SEMINAR CLASSROOM - MOMENTS LATER

At the lecture table are PROFESSOR #1 AND PROFESSOR #2.

CONNOR
Treasons Bleedings, everyone!
(Turbid) I hope all is swell in
well... hell. Here, I will be
exemplifying the underlying motif
of my colloquium today.

Connor fumbles with the HDMI chord. Eventually, she connects
her computer to the main projector. Her Hamtaro themed Prezi
hits the scene(screen). “Starstruck” by Lady Gaga plays.

CONNOR (CONT’D)
That motif being, (Air horn sound
effect) "Comedy Mirrors Humanity”.

MONTAGE:
‍
A. Connor refers to a collage of Matt Stone and Trey Parker,
along with their works.

CONNOR (CONT’D)
Queef and Chortle facilitators,
Matt Stone and Trey Parker,
pioneered twenty-first century "I'm
going to make fun of everyone and
everything, now hop off, one
percent” comedy. I believe wholly
that we were spawned upon the
pebbly shores of this earth a la
Parker y Stone.

Professor #2 coughs. Lizette giggles.

CONNOR CONT'D
For instance.(Switches slides with
a remote control) Oscars ceremony.
Stone and Parker galavant as
Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez
mid acid trip. Let’s just say,
their combined substances we’re not
controlled.

Combined silence offsets the combined substances line.

LIZETTE
Oh. Wow.

B. Connor presents the next slide.

CONNOR
Schopenhauer once said--

C. Connor showcasing another slide with one eye closed and the other ajar.

CONNOR (CONT’D)
Kristin Chenoweth once trilled--

D. Connor dancing to the ground to grab her water bottle.

CONNOR (CONT’D)
My flavorite municipal stenographer
from my time on jury duty, Colleen,
once scribed--
‍
E.Connor plays the viral video, "Nyan Cat for 10 hours".

F.Connor passes out brochures with a heading that says "Connor O'Connor's Colloquium (C Cubed). It's Credible" to
professors.

CONNOR
(Whispers) Just in case. You never
know. Please pass me.

END MONTAGE.

CONNOR
Comedians uplifts atypical content,
confidence, high energy, gusto,
theatricality, and a smorgasbord of
other qualities that everyone longs
to exhibit rather than inhibit.
Connor is possessed at this point.

CONNOR (CONT’D)
Comedy mirrors humanity due to its
unspoken manifesto highlighting
freedom of unadulterated
expression.Meaning no flack in
return. No flack!

PROFESSOR #1
Ms O’Connor. I must stop you.
Connor makes a worn down raptor
sound.

PROFESSOR #1 (CONT’D)
Your concentration is a Pinterest
mood board.

LIZETTE
Ooh, that’s a new observation
there...Um.

PROFESSOR #2
I love your energy but I believe
this is gluttonously lazy for NYU.

PROFESSOR #1
Gluttonously, Connor.

CONNOR
Do I finish ? Or?

PROFESSOR #1
Go ahead!

PROFESSOR #2
Go ahead!

PROFESSOR #1
Jinks!

Professor #2 laughs.

PROFESSOR #2
Got me good!

PROFESSOR #1
Balls of fun at Gallatin per usual!

LIZETTE
That we do. Have that level of fun
at Gallatin.

Both professors ignore Lizette. Connor retrieves the remote
from her brasserie.
‍
PROFESSOR #2
Connor, was this an onerous task
for you?

Beat.

CONNOR
That was an authentic question for
me to answer?

PROFESSOR #2
I'm asking because to me, it seems
as if your way of... how do I put
it, "half assing" your colloquium
is by presenting videos of cats
farting rainbows while jumping to
sandpaper on tongue like background
music.

PROFESSOR #1
And falsely quoting philosophers.
Nietzche never expressed during his
career, "When you stare at humor,
humor stares right back."

PROFESSOR #2
I don't believe you did any
preparation for this discussion nor
do I believe you achieved anything
here today.

Professors look at each other. Professor #1 grabs a stamp and places it onto Connor's brochure.

PROFESSORS
Denied.

LIZETTE
Woah! Wipe out!

CONNOR
What was that? Professor plural?

PROFESSOR #2
Our first student to fail the
Gallatin Colloquium. How thrilling!

LIZETTE
Guys.

PROFESSOR #1
The first colloquium of the
semester too!

LIZETTE
GUYS!

PROFESSOR #2
Lizette, we all know she needs a
majority vote.

CONNOR
I don't--

PROFESSOR #1
You failed your colloquium due to
lack of commitment. Pretty sure
that’s evident.

PROFESSOR #2
But! Give it the old... Professor
#2 air quotes.

PROFESSOR #2 (CONT'D)
"Gallatin go" next semester and you
know what? Thank you for your time,
Connor.

CONNOR
I get Nyan Cat wasn't a twist and
shout in this room but--

PROFESSOR #1
Email Gallatin's office of
administration for further
guidelines. Thank you again.

PROFESSOR #2
Best of luck, Ms.O'Connor!

CONNOR
Can I rinse and repeat it all? Or
perhaps reduce and reuse?

PROFESSORS
Best of luck!

Connor exits. Lizette sighs in defeat.