Scene 1:
Opens with DEREK in The Lonely Horse, a clusterfuck of a bar in Manhattan. Enter ELLIOT. DEREK is sitting at the bar.
DEREK
Well well well! Look who finally escaped the wraths of girlfriend Godzilla to hang out with me! Let me guess, Stephanie tried to get you to do that hot Pilates again? If that isn’t torture bro I don’t know what is!
ELLIOT
(Sits down next to DEREK.)
First of all it’s hot yoga and second. I I don’t want to talk
about it okay? Just get me a beer already.
DEREK
Okay okay I get it something happened. (Stares him down. ELLIOT doesn’t answer.) Nothing? You got nothing for me? Alright I guess I’ll just have to talk about my mom and her new man candy. What is this? Her seventh boyfriend this month? If I’m gonna be honest with ya I’m pretty sure she’s pulling the sugar daddy card but
ELLIOT
No no no please god no please I can’t hear about your mom’s love life again. Last time you told me about her I had nightmares I tell you. Nightmares.
DEREK
I don’t know man seems like you’re pretty interested! So anyways she
ELLIOT
Fine fine fine I’ll tell you what happened. God damn you’re the worst.
DEREK
You know ya love me!
ELLIOT
Ugh alright. Well lets just say I won’t have to worry about “girlfriend Godzilla” anymore.
DEREK
What do you mean?
ELLIOT
What I mean is that Stephanie dumped me. She left me. We’re done. Finito. Finished.
DEREK
Ah ha! I knew she was a lying skank! I mean uh.... sorry man. Do tell more!
ELLIOT
Once again, you’re the worst. So she broke up with me because she said I was and I quote “too tense”. What is that even supposed to mean?
DEREK
It means she’s a psycho bitch that’s what. (ELLIOT looks at him.) What? Am I wrong?
ELLIOT
It’s because I didn’t go to that stupid Demi Lovato concert with her last week. God dammit I thought she would let that one go. Well I’m sorry that I like GOOD music not squeaky, poppy trash. (Waiter brings beers.) Finally something to lift my spirits! (Makes a toast.) This one’s for two years of an ostensibly hopeless relationship. Sa-fucking-lud everybody!
DEREK
Dude. You gotta calm down. You and I both know it wasn’t because of Demi Lovato. Also fuck you for hating on her she has a voice of an angel bro.
ELLIOT
It just doesn’t make sense! I love her.
DEREK
Your relationship with Stephanie was like living in a fucking hell-hole and you know it. Face it Elliot, Stephanie dragged you along for years and you being with her was just something for her to pass the time. Face it buddy, love sucks.
ELLIOT
Okay you may be a little right about Stephanie but you are dead wrong about love. Love is precious. Love gives life meaning man, it speaks to you. Without love, life is. Life is meaningless. Life without Stephanie is meaningless.(Starts to sob aggressively and places
his head down on the bar.)
DEREK
Woah man Stephanie pulled you into the love vortex WAY too deep. (Pats ELLIOT on the back repeatedly.) I’m glad you made it out alive when you had the chance.
ELLIOT
(ELLIOT pops his head up suddenly.) No Derek love is like,I don’t know something something to behold and taking that away from someone is like. It’s like stealing the air out of someone’s lungs. You love someone for two years straight and then come back to me on that thought of yours.
DEREK
Oh wow I didn’t know I was drinking with THE William Shakespeare. When do I get my sonnet?
ELLIOT
Forget it, asshole.
DEREK
Okay, okay! I’m sorry Elliot. All I’m saying is that love isn’t as flawless as you make it out to be and I bet you anything I could prove it.
ELLIOT
I’d like to see you try.
DEREK
Seriously man! What if I could prove you that?
ELLIOT
I would say “Bravo Derek you evil mastermind you! Now go tell the world of your revolutionary theory because it is nothing but true!” Sounds good?
DEREK
Ha. Not good enough. I need to make this official.
ELLIOT
Oh right, right official. What?
DEREK
(Chugs beer glass. Is already tipsy.) I declare a bet!
ELLIOT
A bet? What is this? High school?
DEREK
Yes a bet. I bet that if I can prove to you that love really sucks you can’t talk about Stephanie ever again. That means from now on man, no exceptions.
ELLIOT
Hmm.
DEREK
Well my good man? What do you think?
ELLIOT
You know as insane as this all sounds... I’m in. (DEREK rejoices.) BUT if you can’t prove it to me then I can sign you up for a dating site.
DEREK
What?! Woah woah that was NOT part of the deal! So think again bud!
ELLIOT
Nope, that’s my final offer. Are you in or out?
DEREK
If it takes me getting you to get over Stephanie...Ugh fine I’m in.
Scene 2:
DEREK
Let me take you back many, many years ago to a boy and a girl, Penelope and Thomas.
Two very, (Pauses. Looking for a word to utilize without spoiling the story.) DEVOTED friends. (Takes a huge gulp of another beer.)
The bar transforms into THOMAS’ living room. Open in on THOMAS. He is sitting on a couch reading. ELLIOT and DEREK are still at the bar but are witnessing the story firsthand. Enters PENELOPE.
PENELOPE
Freedom from guilt. It’s an easy thing to say but not to pursue. I myself am feeling particularly guilty this morning.
THOMAS
Well good morning to you too Pen.
PENELOPE
Why do I feel like I’ve been embodied by guilt, you ask?
THOMAS
Never asked that but you know, as your loyal and trustworthy pal I will listen so do continue!
PENELOPE
No, I, No. I I can’t.
THOMAS
Pen,I was kidding. We’ve been friends for how long now? Seven years?
PENELOPE
I know but
THOMAS
But nothing! You know you can tell me anything so spill!
PENELOPE
Well, I feel extremely guilty... I cheated.
THOMAS
On Darren? What do you mean you cheated?
PENELOPE
NOT in reality but in my dreams!!
THOMAS
Oh god here we go. I mean go on!
PENELOPE
This morning, I woke up from a dream and it made me feel confused and and overwhelmed and manipulated and
THOMAS
Well what was the dream about?
PENELOPE
It was about... A guy. A guy that I have held dear to me for as long as I can remember. He kissed me Tommy. A guy kissed me that wasn’t Darren. What’s wrong with me?
THOMAS
(Bursts out laughing) Are you kidding? There’s nothing wrong with you! This kind of thing happens all the time you just can’t think about it too much.
PENELOPE
Did I commit an unforgivable crime?
THOMAS
And she’s thinking about it too much ladies and gentlemen. (Chuckles slightly.) As usual.
PENELOPE
If I told Darren, would he accept the fact that this dream of mine meant nothing? I mean after all it did mean absolutely nothing right? It was just a kiss! Right....?
THOMAS
Woah woah woah slow down woman! Let’s talk about this.
PENELOPE
What’s there to talk about? Im guilty!
THOMAS
What do you mean? It was a dream! A silly, silly dream that has nothing to do with your true feelings because you... You love Darren. You love Darren and positively... no oneelse. Who was the dream about exactly?
PENELOPE
You’re gonna think it's stupid. You know what? Now that I think about it you’re right! I love Darren! I love Darren with all my heart and no dream can stop that. It wasn’t even realistic! Case closed! What’s for breakfast?
THOMAS
Pen. Who was it about?
PENELOPE
You! (Laughs uncontrollably.)
THOMAS
What’s so funny about that?
PENELOPE
Because Thomas Robert Banks! You’re my best friend! We would never think of each other like THAT! Could you even imagine if you we were a couple?! Talk about freaky! (Laughs again.) Wow I’m so so hungry can we PLEASE get breakfast now? I can’t wait any longer!
THOMAS
Well. I’m glad we had this talk. (Stands up and begins to leave).
PENELOPE
Tommy where are you going?! Sit down!
THOMAS
No. Don’t Tommy me. I don’t need this from you right now.
PENELOPE
I don’t get it. What’s wrong?
THOMAS
Nothing. It doesn’t even matter anymore.
PENELOPE
Thomas stop. I know you. I know when there’s something on your mind and trust me there is DEFINITELY something you’re thinking about. Now tell me.
THOMAS
I think you already covered everything.
PENELOPE
Is it about the dream? Thomas, why would that bother you?
THOMAS
Nothing. I need to go.
PENELOPE
Thomas STOP. If we can’t talk about this how can we talk about anything?
THOMAS
Like you said, the dream meant nothing. WE mean nothing.
PENELOPE
What is that supposed to mean?!
THOMAS
You’re right. We could never have feelings for each other.
PENELOPE
Tommy! Do you have feelings towards me? Is that it? Have I cracked the code...? (THOMAS remains silent.) Well..? You have nothing to say...? It’s fine. I don’t need to eat with you anyway. I have plenty of other friends to hang out with that I can trust. Can I even call you a “friend” anymore? Enlighten me Thomas because I’m not getting it. Whatdo I call you?
THOMAS
Nothing.
PENELOPE
Well then I’m leaving. Have a nice day.
THOMAS
Penelope don’t. Don’t act like this. I’m sorry.
PENELOPE
How can I not? You are the most selfish, fickle-minded, and cowardly person I’ve ever met. I don’t need you. I don’t–Thomas interrupts her and kisses her.
THOMAS
Do you “get it” now?
Opens with DEREK in The Lonely Horse, a clusterfuck of a bar in Manhattan. Enter ELLIOT. DEREK is sitting at the bar.
DEREK
Well well well! Look who finally escaped the wraths of girlfriend Godzilla to hang out with me! Let me guess, Stephanie tried to get you to do that hot Pilates again? If that isn’t torture bro I don’t know what is!
ELLIOT
(Sits down next to DEREK.)
First of all it’s hot yoga and second. I I don’t want to talk
about it okay? Just get me a beer already.
DEREK
Okay okay I get it something happened. (Stares him down. ELLIOT doesn’t answer.) Nothing? You got nothing for me? Alright I guess I’ll just have to talk about my mom and her new man candy. What is this? Her seventh boyfriend this month? If I’m gonna be honest with ya I’m pretty sure she’s pulling the sugar daddy card but
ELLIOT
No no no please god no please I can’t hear about your mom’s love life again. Last time you told me about her I had nightmares I tell you. Nightmares.
DEREK
I don’t know man seems like you’re pretty interested! So anyways she
ELLIOT
Fine fine fine I’ll tell you what happened. God damn you’re the worst.
DEREK
You know ya love me!
ELLIOT
Ugh alright. Well lets just say I won’t have to worry about “girlfriend Godzilla” anymore.
DEREK
What do you mean?
ELLIOT
What I mean is that Stephanie dumped me. She left me. We’re done. Finito. Finished.
DEREK
Ah ha! I knew she was a lying skank! I mean uh.... sorry man. Do tell more!
ELLIOT
Once again, you’re the worst. So she broke up with me because she said I was and I quote “too tense”. What is that even supposed to mean?
DEREK
It means she’s a psycho bitch that’s what. (ELLIOT looks at him.) What? Am I wrong?
ELLIOT
It’s because I didn’t go to that stupid Demi Lovato concert with her last week. God dammit I thought she would let that one go. Well I’m sorry that I like GOOD music not squeaky, poppy trash. (Waiter brings beers.) Finally something to lift my spirits! (Makes a toast.) This one’s for two years of an ostensibly hopeless relationship. Sa-fucking-lud everybody!
DEREK
Dude. You gotta calm down. You and I both know it wasn’t because of Demi Lovato. Also fuck you for hating on her she has a voice of an angel bro.
ELLIOT
It just doesn’t make sense! I love her.
DEREK
Your relationship with Stephanie was like living in a fucking hell-hole and you know it. Face it Elliot, Stephanie dragged you along for years and you being with her was just something for her to pass the time. Face it buddy, love sucks.
ELLIOT
Okay you may be a little right about Stephanie but you are dead wrong about love. Love is precious. Love gives life meaning man, it speaks to you. Without love, life is. Life is meaningless. Life without Stephanie is meaningless.(Starts to sob aggressively and places
his head down on the bar.)
DEREK
Woah man Stephanie pulled you into the love vortex WAY too deep. (Pats ELLIOT on the back repeatedly.) I’m glad you made it out alive when you had the chance.
ELLIOT
(ELLIOT pops his head up suddenly.) No Derek love is like,I don’t know something something to behold and taking that away from someone is like. It’s like stealing the air out of someone’s lungs. You love someone for two years straight and then come back to me on that thought of yours.
DEREK
Oh wow I didn’t know I was drinking with THE William Shakespeare. When do I get my sonnet?
ELLIOT
Forget it, asshole.
DEREK
Okay, okay! I’m sorry Elliot. All I’m saying is that love isn’t as flawless as you make it out to be and I bet you anything I could prove it.
ELLIOT
I’d like to see you try.
DEREK
Seriously man! What if I could prove you that?
ELLIOT
I would say “Bravo Derek you evil mastermind you! Now go tell the world of your revolutionary theory because it is nothing but true!” Sounds good?
DEREK
Ha. Not good enough. I need to make this official.
ELLIOT
Oh right, right official. What?
DEREK
(Chugs beer glass. Is already tipsy.) I declare a bet!
ELLIOT
A bet? What is this? High school?
DEREK
Yes a bet. I bet that if I can prove to you that love really sucks you can’t talk about Stephanie ever again. That means from now on man, no exceptions.
ELLIOT
Hmm.
DEREK
Well my good man? What do you think?
ELLIOT
You know as insane as this all sounds... I’m in. (DEREK rejoices.) BUT if you can’t prove it to me then I can sign you up for a dating site.
DEREK
What?! Woah woah that was NOT part of the deal! So think again bud!
ELLIOT
Nope, that’s my final offer. Are you in or out?
DEREK
If it takes me getting you to get over Stephanie...Ugh fine I’m in.
Scene 2:
DEREK
Let me take you back many, many years ago to a boy and a girl, Penelope and Thomas.
Two very, (Pauses. Looking for a word to utilize without spoiling the story.) DEVOTED friends. (Takes a huge gulp of another beer.)
The bar transforms into THOMAS’ living room. Open in on THOMAS. He is sitting on a couch reading. ELLIOT and DEREK are still at the bar but are witnessing the story firsthand. Enters PENELOPE.
PENELOPE
Freedom from guilt. It’s an easy thing to say but not to pursue. I myself am feeling particularly guilty this morning.
THOMAS
Well good morning to you too Pen.
PENELOPE
Why do I feel like I’ve been embodied by guilt, you ask?
THOMAS
Never asked that but you know, as your loyal and trustworthy pal I will listen so do continue!
PENELOPE
No, I, No. I I can’t.
THOMAS
Pen,I was kidding. We’ve been friends for how long now? Seven years?
PENELOPE
I know but
THOMAS
But nothing! You know you can tell me anything so spill!
PENELOPE
Well, I feel extremely guilty... I cheated.
THOMAS
On Darren? What do you mean you cheated?
PENELOPE
NOT in reality but in my dreams!!
THOMAS
Oh god here we go. I mean go on!
PENELOPE
This morning, I woke up from a dream and it made me feel confused and and overwhelmed and manipulated and
THOMAS
Well what was the dream about?
PENELOPE
It was about... A guy. A guy that I have held dear to me for as long as I can remember. He kissed me Tommy. A guy kissed me that wasn’t Darren. What’s wrong with me?
THOMAS
(Bursts out laughing) Are you kidding? There’s nothing wrong with you! This kind of thing happens all the time you just can’t think about it too much.
PENELOPE
Did I commit an unforgivable crime?
THOMAS
And she’s thinking about it too much ladies and gentlemen. (Chuckles slightly.) As usual.
PENELOPE
If I told Darren, would he accept the fact that this dream of mine meant nothing? I mean after all it did mean absolutely nothing right? It was just a kiss! Right....?
THOMAS
Woah woah woah slow down woman! Let’s talk about this.
PENELOPE
What’s there to talk about? Im guilty!
THOMAS
What do you mean? It was a dream! A silly, silly dream that has nothing to do with your true feelings because you... You love Darren. You love Darren and positively... no oneelse. Who was the dream about exactly?
PENELOPE
You’re gonna think it's stupid. You know what? Now that I think about it you’re right! I love Darren! I love Darren with all my heart and no dream can stop that. It wasn’t even realistic! Case closed! What’s for breakfast?
THOMAS
Pen. Who was it about?
PENELOPE
You! (Laughs uncontrollably.)
THOMAS
What’s so funny about that?
PENELOPE
Because Thomas Robert Banks! You’re my best friend! We would never think of each other like THAT! Could you even imagine if you we were a couple?! Talk about freaky! (Laughs again.) Wow I’m so so hungry can we PLEASE get breakfast now? I can’t wait any longer!
THOMAS
Well. I’m glad we had this talk. (Stands up and begins to leave).
PENELOPE
Tommy where are you going?! Sit down!
THOMAS
No. Don’t Tommy me. I don’t need this from you right now.
PENELOPE
I don’t get it. What’s wrong?
THOMAS
Nothing. It doesn’t even matter anymore.
PENELOPE
Thomas stop. I know you. I know when there’s something on your mind and trust me there is DEFINITELY something you’re thinking about. Now tell me.
THOMAS
I think you already covered everything.
PENELOPE
Is it about the dream? Thomas, why would that bother you?
THOMAS
Nothing. I need to go.
PENELOPE
Thomas STOP. If we can’t talk about this how can we talk about anything?
THOMAS
Like you said, the dream meant nothing. WE mean nothing.
PENELOPE
What is that supposed to mean?!
THOMAS
You’re right. We could never have feelings for each other.
PENELOPE
Tommy! Do you have feelings towards me? Is that it? Have I cracked the code...? (THOMAS remains silent.) Well..? You have nothing to say...? It’s fine. I don’t need to eat with you anyway. I have plenty of other friends to hang out with that I can trust. Can I even call you a “friend” anymore? Enlighten me Thomas because I’m not getting it. Whatdo I call you?
THOMAS
Nothing.
PENELOPE
Well then I’m leaving. Have a nice day.
THOMAS
Penelope don’t. Don’t act like this. I’m sorry.
PENELOPE
How can I not? You are the most selfish, fickle-minded, and cowardly person I’ve ever met. I don’t need you. I don’t–Thomas interrupts her and kisses her.
THOMAS
Do you “get it” now?