The abrasive, DAMON SILVER, remains overcompensating in the middle of
his standup set.
DAMON SILVER
Back to my name.(Stumbles) Damon Silver. (Beat) You know what? I think
I’m ready to define...our relationship now, audience. I’m ready to flirt.
Silver looks at PAUL FRANK, who is sitting with his wife, LISA FRANK.
Pretends to point at random but points at PAUL FRANK.
DAMON SILVER
You! Flippers!(Pause) Your shoes dude! They’re massive!Silence.
LISA FRANK
(Sighs) Honey, oh.
DAMON SILVER
I don’t want to make fun of you Blow Hole.(Beat) What’s your name?
PAUL FRANK
Well, I haven’t enjoyed your little act at all/
DAMON SILVER
“Well”? Do you not know your name?
Gestures the audience to laugh with him. No one takes the bait.
PAUL FRANK
Paul Frank.
DAMON SILVER
(Bursts out laughing) What?!
PAUL FRANK
It’s Paul Frank.
DAMON SILVER
Holy fucking shit, man. Where are you from?
PAUL FRANK
New Mexico.
DAMON SILVER
Sorry, I just can’t get over this fucking name of yours. Paul Frank!
PAUL FRANK
Yes, Paul Frank.
DAMON SILVER
As in the t-shirt guy? Like with the monkey?
LISA FRANK
(To Paul) Brush it off, honey!
DAMON SILVER
I should’ve known you were the monkey shirt guy!
Audience goes “huh?” “who?”.
DAMON SILVER
(Gestures to Lisa) And is this your muse?
She is wearing many layers and a beanie so all he can see is her face.
DAMON SILVER
I can’t tell with the seven turtle necks but...she
hairy?! Alia tosses back her drink and turns around.
DAMON SILVER
Don’t worry, Pauly baby! Lots of men get into beastiality when human pussy doesn’t fit the price range anymore.
LISA FRANK
Goodness!
Paul and Lisa exchange looks.
DAMON SILVER
Want me to give PETA a call? Should I give PETA a call,Paul?
Paul Frank gets out of his seat. Lisa Frank stands up and Paul assists
her.
DAMON SILVER
Hold up! I’m gonna need a clear plan for tonight’s gang bang. Am I
meeting you two at the hog orgy or are we just riding together?
Alia storms Damon.
ALIA
(To Silver)Hey low life! (He turns) Yes you. Apologize to this innocent couple.
LISA FRANK
Hi! I’m Lisa! Have we met?
ALIA
(To Silver) You don’t get to flaunt your infinitesimal chode around
like a fucking Preying Mantis and shit on other people until you finally receive an erection.You know what happens to a male Preying Mantis? Its head gets chomped.
DAMON SILVER
That drink did nothing for you.
ALIA
It’s doing more for me than your shitty set.
DAMON SILVER
Because you’re a comedian.
ALIA
Do comedians only kick down their audience members then? Is that how comedy works?
DAMON SILVER
(Beat)What the fuck is your job? Huh?!
ALIA
(Beat) Architect.
DAMON SILVER
So you’re single.
ALIA
Yep, singlehandedly making more money than you.
DAMON SILVER
You don’t know my net-worth, honey.
ALIA
Oh! So is that why you’re performing here? (Pause) But no, tell me about your net-worth bro-bro!
Audience laughs.
DAMON SILVER
(To bartender) Yo, take her out so I don’t have to!
ALIA
Why? They’re finally laughing!
DAMON SILVER
It’s called pity, sweetheart.
ALIA
It’s called get a new career, sweetheart.
Audience laughs.
DAMON SILVER
You obviously don’t know comedy.
ALIA
I’m the only one making them laugh.The score’s 2 to 0.
DAMON SILVER
Alright alright, I’m taking back the mic. Go back to getting white girldrunk.
ALIA
There is no fucking microphone because this isn’t a real fucking comedy club. This is a neighborhood shack in Queens. If this was Manhattan, we would be relentlessly stabbing “Damon Silver Voodoo Dolls”.
Audience laughs. Male Audience Member stands up.
MALE AUDIENCE MEMBER
That would make him shut up!
DAMON SILVER
(To Male Audience Member) Sit down!
ALIA
I mean, do you honestly think your name is a fucking punchline? It’s a
common last name.
DAMON SILVER
It’s pretty niche! It’s pretty niche.
ALIA
You want a punchline? I can think of a few replacement names for you. (Beat)“Mighty Misogynist”.
Audience laughs.
ALIA
“Moby, where’s my dick?”
Audience laughs.
ALIA
Napoleon Bonaparte.
Audience roars.
ALIA(To audience)You get it.
DAMON SILVER
You can’t just rob me of my audience!
ALIA
Rob? You handed this to me.
Audience laughs.
DAMON SILVER
Fuck you!
his standup set.
DAMON SILVER
Back to my name.(Stumbles) Damon Silver. (Beat) You know what? I think
I’m ready to define...our relationship now, audience. I’m ready to flirt.
Silver looks at PAUL FRANK, who is sitting with his wife, LISA FRANK.
Pretends to point at random but points at PAUL FRANK.
DAMON SILVER
You! Flippers!(Pause) Your shoes dude! They’re massive!Silence.
LISA FRANK
(Sighs) Honey, oh.
DAMON SILVER
I don’t want to make fun of you Blow Hole.(Beat) What’s your name?
PAUL FRANK
Well, I haven’t enjoyed your little act at all/
DAMON SILVER
“Well”? Do you not know your name?
Gestures the audience to laugh with him. No one takes the bait.
PAUL FRANK
Paul Frank.
DAMON SILVER
(Bursts out laughing) What?!
PAUL FRANK
It’s Paul Frank.
DAMON SILVER
Holy fucking shit, man. Where are you from?
PAUL FRANK
New Mexico.
DAMON SILVER
Sorry, I just can’t get over this fucking name of yours. Paul Frank!
PAUL FRANK
Yes, Paul Frank.
DAMON SILVER
As in the t-shirt guy? Like with the monkey?
LISA FRANK
(To Paul) Brush it off, honey!
DAMON SILVER
I should’ve known you were the monkey shirt guy!
Audience goes “huh?” “who?”.
DAMON SILVER
(Gestures to Lisa) And is this your muse?
She is wearing many layers and a beanie so all he can see is her face.
DAMON SILVER
I can’t tell with the seven turtle necks but...she
hairy?! Alia tosses back her drink and turns around.
DAMON SILVER
Don’t worry, Pauly baby! Lots of men get into beastiality when human pussy doesn’t fit the price range anymore.
LISA FRANK
Goodness!
Paul and Lisa exchange looks.
DAMON SILVER
Want me to give PETA a call? Should I give PETA a call,Paul?
Paul Frank gets out of his seat. Lisa Frank stands up and Paul assists
her.
DAMON SILVER
Hold up! I’m gonna need a clear plan for tonight’s gang bang. Am I
meeting you two at the hog orgy or are we just riding together?
Alia storms Damon.
ALIA
(To Silver)Hey low life! (He turns) Yes you. Apologize to this innocent couple.
LISA FRANK
Hi! I’m Lisa! Have we met?
ALIA
(To Silver) You don’t get to flaunt your infinitesimal chode around
like a fucking Preying Mantis and shit on other people until you finally receive an erection.You know what happens to a male Preying Mantis? Its head gets chomped.
DAMON SILVER
That drink did nothing for you.
ALIA
It’s doing more for me than your shitty set.
DAMON SILVER
Because you’re a comedian.
ALIA
Do comedians only kick down their audience members then? Is that how comedy works?
DAMON SILVER
(Beat)What the fuck is your job? Huh?!
ALIA
(Beat) Architect.
DAMON SILVER
So you’re single.
ALIA
Yep, singlehandedly making more money than you.
DAMON SILVER
You don’t know my net-worth, honey.
ALIA
Oh! So is that why you’re performing here? (Pause) But no, tell me about your net-worth bro-bro!
Audience laughs.
DAMON SILVER
(To bartender) Yo, take her out so I don’t have to!
ALIA
Why? They’re finally laughing!
DAMON SILVER
It’s called pity, sweetheart.
ALIA
It’s called get a new career, sweetheart.
Audience laughs.
DAMON SILVER
You obviously don’t know comedy.
ALIA
I’m the only one making them laugh.The score’s 2 to 0.
DAMON SILVER
Alright alright, I’m taking back the mic. Go back to getting white girldrunk.
ALIA
There is no fucking microphone because this isn’t a real fucking comedy club. This is a neighborhood shack in Queens. If this was Manhattan, we would be relentlessly stabbing “Damon Silver Voodoo Dolls”.
Audience laughs. Male Audience Member stands up.
MALE AUDIENCE MEMBER
That would make him shut up!
DAMON SILVER
(To Male Audience Member) Sit down!
ALIA
I mean, do you honestly think your name is a fucking punchline? It’s a
common last name.
DAMON SILVER
It’s pretty niche! It’s pretty niche.
ALIA
You want a punchline? I can think of a few replacement names for you. (Beat)“Mighty Misogynist”.
Audience laughs.
ALIA
“Moby, where’s my dick?”
Audience laughs.
ALIA
Napoleon Bonaparte.
Audience roars.
ALIA(To audience)You get it.
DAMON SILVER
You can’t just rob me of my audience!
ALIA
Rob? You handed this to me.
Audience laughs.
DAMON SILVER
Fuck you!